Fault Lines

Hi friends.

Are you welcoming September with open arms like I am?

It's a "make your way to Lancaster, PA for a very special wedding shower," kinda Friday.

So while Abi drives I have some thoughts on friendship.

After spending two glorious days with a dear college chum I was reminded that not all friendships come easily, no matter what age or stage you find yourself in.

When you grow up around angry people you instinctively carry around an invisible backpack of blame.

It's filled with phrases like, "You'll never," "Why can't you," and "You've done it again."

Some of these are spoken over you when you've unknowingly once again failed to please the one in front of you.

Some of these are of your own making when the familiar look of frustration furrows their brow.

I can spot someone’s disappointment a mile away.

I can sense it in a curtly worded text and hear it in someone's voice.

I don’t remember the place or the time but I do remember the weight of the worlds a friend used one beautiful afternoon when I confided in her that I wasn’t a good friend.

It took all the guts I could muster to finally exhale all of the disgust I had for my own lack of perfectionism in deep friendships.

A move and busy kept me too busy to reply, to call, a birthday passed me by, and the like.

I was so afraid of taking something the wrong way or making a promise I couldn’t keep I feared friendship all together.

And standing before me was this new friend who I thought deserved to know why I wasn’t a good candidate for her.

Like the time I was pushed into a vocal ensemble try-out in college and decided after sight reading to just turn and inform the distinguished panel that I was hands-down positively failing math in the absolute worst way possible.

I just didn’t want to be representing the college  in front of some church in West Virginia and word come down the pike that I was indeed NOT a good representative at all.

Well at least not in the math department.

When I unloaded the truck to my new friend she laughed off all of my warnings and messes and gave me sage advice that I still keep close at hand. 

“We will all need forgiveness.”

She pointed to herself.

“I will do something stupid.

I will ask for forgiveness for the stupid thing,

And then I will go on.”

Here I was, backpack unzipped, ready for her to examine the contents and thumb her nose at its stench.

I was fully finally ready to shout to the world that I'm a disappointment in the friend department because I’m too scattered, too emotional,

Too forgetful and too overcommitted. 

And here she was pretending not to even notice my own backpack to show her own failures.

Her humility and honest, positive  outlook took me by surprise.

It still takes me by surprise.

When you spend transformative years under the eye of a perfectionist, or a controlling spirit, you can work as hard as you can, but it will never measure up.

Their disappointment will become so deeply ingrained in you that even someone else’s disappointment in their own life must somehow, some way be your own fault.

Their insecurities and failures aren’t their own- but are yours to steward. 

You made them angry.

You made them frustrated.

You made them uneasy and you by default must fix every inch of it.

It’s not even just your own stupid things you have to account for.

In your record books it’s their stupid things as well, because, well, they wouldn’t have done something stupid if you hadn’t made them.

Right?

You'd better be the perfect friend because everyone else is perfect.

Right?

I've found myself in this cycle so very many times where someone’s distance, unpleasantness, unkindness must be something I have done, and yet there wasn’t anything you could put your finger on to ask forgiveness for.

This is a feeling and a spirit that controlling individuals love to harness.

They draw the net by making you feel unworthy of their friendship and kindness. 

When in reality they are disappointing YOU. 

But you don’t see this because you're too busy feeling guilty for something you must have done so long ago you can’t even remember it. 

If I’ve offended someone and I know I have hurt them it is my job to go to them, humble myself and apologize. 

And if I have unknowingly offended someone it is their responsibility to come to me so that I can make that right with them. 

THIS is biblical friendship.

If you’ve fallen prey to feeling unworthy of friendship because you always unknowingly seem to make a mess of it, 

Chances are you’ve been raised in such a controlling atmosphere that you can’t see the forest for the trees.

Those who choose control are really fearful under the surface.

And I’ve learned to see their fear and pray for them with a broken heartedness instead of feeling angry for being trained to carry their garbage. 

Their fear was brought about because of a lie they believed about themselves or about the Lord.

And it sure brings torment.

I am old enough to know the truth. 

Those who live near fault lines can become calloused to the dangers just below the surface.

The unexpected shifting that can occur just under their feet.

I cannot imagine, living all of my life in Ohio, what it must be like to grow up in California.

With daily uneasy tension completely out of their control.

I can imagine that those who live there have changed their lives to account for the damage that can and will eventually occur. 

This is something I’ve chosen to adopt as well. 

I’m not naive enough to believe that I am everyone’s cup of tea. 

Especially if they’re a fan of matcha.

Bless them. 

But I’m not a bad cup of tea either. 

And neither are you my FRIEND.